Abusers

[Survivors of Violence Support and Recovery]

My son's dad is an abuser. I am trying to break free and get boundaries in place so that he can't keep abusing me. We're fucking divorved! But the post-separation abuse seems worse sometimes!!!!. I'm in the process of moving right now but everyone who I've asked for help has bounced on me. The first person who was going to help me skipped out because his "woman" (my friend) would no longer put out for him because she's also trying to get away from his ass, but he's her daughter's dad. Since she denied him sex this is his way of punishing her.

Then I asked my ex's family for help (because I thought I could trust them) and they in turn right away asked me if I would sign my social for them to get a trailer. "No te pides ingresos, nada mas tu seguro." Now since I've let them stay at my house I'm fucking paranoid that they're here to "snoop" for my social security number and use it to do some shit.

So who do I call? My fucking ex-husband. And he says, "I'll help you move. Just get a truck reserved and I'll pay for it on my credit card, and I'll take a day off work." But he previously told me he couldn't because of his back being all fucked up. Now I'm fucking pissed because I KNOW if I accept his help for moving me, AND paying for it, he's keeping score and he's going to find JUST the right time to throw that shit in my face. Not to mention he's going to take the opportunity when I "have to listen to him" to be a passive aggressive fucker and lecture me on my own "bad decisions and poor judgement." And I don't have a fucking choice but to let him help me. And he knows it. And he knew I would need his help. That's why he said he "couldn't do it." He wanted to see who I could get to help me. Now that I'm left with no one he's relighing the fact that I "need him" and he is enjoying getting to say, "who else is going to help you? No one." And I have to fucking take it. I'm so fucking upset right now because I know that he's going to abuse me. My heart is racing as I type this. I know the blow is coming. I just don't know when, how devastating it will be, or if I'll be prepared for it. No matter how "prepared" I am, I can tell his abuse is becoming more sophisticated. Or I'm just fucking crazy. He's making me crazy. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that there's going to be a price to pay.

[Simon Paynton]

I think it's all about power, punishing you for being happy, and trying to rule your head even when he's not there.  Yanking your chain.  I live next to somebody with a personality disorder, and he'll use every trick in the book to try and keep me squirming on the ground.  For example, if I've been having a great time and laughing my head off all evening, he'll bang on the wall in the night to wake me up.  In my case, there's no point being nice to him because it just makes him worse.  However, I don't wind him up on purpose either, because that would be silly. 

The thing about them is they fasten onto someone like a limpet.  You're their food basically. 

PS I don't squirm on the ground.  He's the one shitting bricks. 

If I lived anywhere near you I would love to help you move.  I'm sure 100% of the people reading your post will think the same thing. 

[Simon Paynton]

Is your ex anything like this?  The Little Kid Inside the Adult Borderline/Narcissist

[Dr. Bob]

Hi @Belle,

If anything the experience of my church should have taught you that took us a long time (and lots of hurt kids) to learn is that abusers can't be cured.  They don't change, at least not very easily.   They encourage dependency, and trap their victims in that dependency.

You have to stop.  You have to break free.  You have to leave him and his family behind.  Completely.  Entirely.  For your own health and safety.  Get a restraining order.  Call the cops... every... single... time.  And never, ever, ever, for the rest of your life, talk to or be within 100 yards of him or his family again.

Go to a local support group, go to a church, call a group of friends, ask neighbors.  Call up the local Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts.    LOTS of people will be happy to help you move.  Lots of people here at TA, lots of people everywhere.  There are attorneys in every major metropolitan area who will help if you need that. 

 Being in an abusive relationship can be like being an addict.  It can be a struggle to break free, to do the hard things to completely change your life and give up what was self-destructive, but in some ways comfortable and "known."  Even having made a change, it is hard to stay sober; it's hard not to get sucked back in.

You *must* break free, and never look back. You must say "No!" to him and his family each and every day.  You must avoid those situations and places where you know you can be manipulated. You must, *must* never quit.   You are too valuable to be sucked into that vortex again.